The Center for Grief Recovery and Creativity: Reflections

Assigning Meaning to Tragedy

2010-04-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

As human beings we struggle with the notion of meaning. Perhaps one of the best discussions of this issue comes from Victor Frankl's, "Man's Search for Meaning." Frankl discusses his own experience as a survivor of Nazi concentration camps and how he worked to find some kind of meaning from the events he lived through. Based upon Fankl's philosophy, it seems that meaning is something we assign with our mind rather than something inherent in the event itself. If so, then we are faced with the very active task of searching for a way to ascribe meaning to an event, which on its face may contain little or no significance. For example, there are many different ways in which a tragedy can lead to something meaningful growing out of it.

The most obvious way in which we can cultivate significance is to develop some memorial activity. For example, the Center for Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss, began as an attempt to memorialize departed siblings. The facts of their deaths then led to something useful and meaningful—something that might not have occurred had they lived. While we would never wish for the tragic ending to a life as a way to achieve meaningful acts, many grand achievements do grow out of the seemingly barren soil of tragedy.

People may also change their internal environment after the death of a loved one. For example, one participant in one of our groups at the Center for Grief Recovery, resolved to take more time for his sister's children and more expansively, for all children, whether his own or those of others. Thus, the death generated an inner conviction and determination to lead life with a little different sense of priorities in his dealings with other people. This kind of change is extremely meaningful and allows us to assign some significance to the death itself. Interestingly, the concept of assigning meaning to a tragic event seems to be one of the hardest ideas with which to come to grips. Many people find it confusing and hard to grasp. While it is difficult for a narcissistic society to find meaning in doing for others or even in coping with the notion of meaning, per se, it is a useful exercise and a good antidote to the unrelieved focus on self. We have clearly stated that self-awareness, self-expression, and self-examination are the principal goals of our endeavor. However, this can't be the total story.

The discussion of meaning is likely to end inconclusively for many people. However, that should not discourage us. We should ask that this issue be kept on peoples' agendas, and that perhaps at some future date, it may become clearer.

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

2010-03-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Occasionally, I am asked by students of the helping professions certain compelling questions. Recently, one such set of questions came across through the Center’s website. After responding, I decided to post my answers. If you or anyone you know might benefit from asking similar or different questions regarding grief or personal growth, please encourage them to email me through our website or comment on the blog.

1. What do you think about the phrase, “Time heals all wounds.”
Time in itself—unlucky for us—does not heal all wounds. I think it was Lilly Tomlin who said, “tragedy plus time equals comedy.” There’s something to that. We can all look back at certain hard or painful situations in life and laugh now about them. But the main point is time is just a concept we use to measure minutes, days, hours, months, years. Time is not a healer. The passage of time may take the edge off of acute pain, but it does not heal pain. On the other hand, time can be used well for healing purposes. When time is used well, in terms of healing wounds, then it is because we do something specific with and within it. We take time and shape it in order to do inner work. It is inner work coupled with courage and honesty that heals all wounds.
2. What do you believe in this phrase? Can you identify where those feelings came from?
Since I don’t believe in the phrase, I have no particular feelings about it in the way you’re asking. But, I do believe there are different kinds of time. For example, there is chronological time (the Greeks called it chronos time). It’s the clock ticking away, and everything we do to get our activities of daily life going. It’s planning, tasking, working, busying, completing, etc. Often chronos time keeps us moving fast and busy so that we hardly notice what we are feeling. This kind of functioning in time often leads to injury, because we can’t really notice what is happening. We’re numb. But there is also sacred time (kairos time in the greek). Kairos time is when we slow way down and start to notice what is actually happening inside and outside of ourselves. It is about paying attention, becoming more mindful and open to experience. If time heals, it is kairos time that heals, because we are in it with a fuller awareness, rather than being pulled away from ourselves by the ticking of the clock in chronos time.
3. Do you have any facts (those allowed to share) about time healing wounds?
Not facts, per se, but lots of stories. One short story: When he was 8 years old Jerry lost his older brother to a hunting accident. He was 11. Jerry’s childhood was shattered. His parents didn’t know how to help him grieve. His teachers and friends didn’t know either. But later in life, Jerry found a therapist who did know how to help him grieve his loss. With the help of this person, he got in touch with his anger, helplessness, sadness, guilt, fear, and vulnerability. Later still, Jerry became an educator and then a social worker. He founded a social service agency called The Center for Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss. Through a lot of deep inner work, Jerry was able to transform his early childhood loss into a positive energy source aimed at helping others going through similar circumstances. It wasn’t time alone that did that. Sometimes a deep wound can become something else. It takes more than just time to transform loss like this.

4. Have you witnessed or experienced something that relates to this topic? If not, have you seen someone who cannot let go?
I have seen many people go through phases of loss and wounding who have trouble letting go. But we have to be careful about that phrase. If I need to hold onto something that is making me feel safe and secure, why would you want me to let it go? If, on the other hand, I am able to grow in feelings of security and safety and feel more structured and strengthened inside of myself, then I may be more able to independently--often with the help/support of others--“let go” of that to which I am clinging. When it comes to loss, letting go is usually a long-term process with many, many layers. If we tell someone to let go, then we should be prepared to offer them something meaningful and sustaining enough to them as a replacement. Can we really do that? Research has shown that the most common experience in bereavement is longing or yearning for contact with the deceased. Sometimes our longing is so intense we think we see or hear the deceased when they are not there. As we learn to cope with the fact of mortality, however, we begin—slowly and tentatively—to “let go” of our attachment to the physical presence of the person we lost. Perhaps we could say the relationship changes. Letting go is no easy thing and we have to be able to do it in our own way and at our own pace.
5. I have heard that people do not allow themselves to move on because they do not want to get hurt again. Do you believe this is true? Why?
The dread and fear of repeating the experience of being hurt are real feelings. After receiving a wound, we typically recoil from and avoid situations that could cause the same or similar kinds of wounds. That seems rational, right? And from a certain standpoint, it is rational. The problem is we can become so fearful and so full of doubt that we begin to shy away from taking initiative or risks. The fear of getting hurt again becomes overpowering and paralyzing. However, we also know that to take one experience and live your entire life by that one experience is severely limiting. This tendency cuts us off from life and potential. But it is understandable. Who wants to get hurt? Perhaps the antidote to this kind of fear is faith (not necessarily religious-based). A simple example: a child falls from her bicycle and scratches her knee. She cries. Her mom or dad or someone bigger, wiser, stronger, calmer helps her out. But how? By attuning to her feelings (is she disappointed, sad, angry, humiliated, confused?), and empathically calming her down. Then when she’s ready, this guardian figure helps her get back up on the bike and try again. That’s an organizing and skillful approach to helping. The child is more likely to be able to “let go” of her hurt and move on to the next activity. She is more likely to have faith in her strengths, because there was someone there for her in a hard situation who validated and supported her with skill and compassion. She witnessed herself going through a hard situation and with assistance move on to the next effort. She feels more competent and confident.

6. People do not want to let go of the past for many reasons; relationships, love, death. What reason do you think is the hardest to forget?
Again, we have to be careful about pushing people to “let go,” or “forget.” In fact, grief is a natural and unlearned healing process. People wanting to be helpful to those who are grieving do not give pat answers to profound questions. They do less advising and more listening. They understand the meaning of memories. Memories are not dead. Memories are alive and dynamic. Memories help people retain their needed connection to the deceased. The old idea about grief was that we should encourage people to cut their ties and move on. Well, it doesn’t usually really work that way. People need to feel free to remember, and grieve. As friends, we need to provide a safe place for people who are in mourning. A place where they can feel the intensity and depth of their feelings without being judged or pushed by someone else with an agenda. Done this way, the grief process usually allows the person to slowly come to terms with their loss and then begin considering withdrawing some of the emotional energy they are putting out to the lost loved one and redirecting it toward other relationships or causes. If we go back to Jerry’s story, he would have never created his Center if he “forgot” about his brother’s death. Perhaps the reason it is so hard for us to forget the people we love is because we are not designed to forget the people we love, but we are pressured to do so by others who may be well-intentioned, but not understanding.
7. What are some things you may do to help people let go of living in their memories?
I try to help people understand that grieving is not about forgetting. To the contrary, grieving is about remembering; remembering the love and the loss; the good times and the bad times. All of it. I also convey to them that remembering is not the same as staying stuck. Remembering and grieving are ways to honor our love and attachments, but living life is also about adapting to change. We don’t want to live our entire life on the basis of one or two experiences. Adaptation comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s about stopping and resting. Sometimes it’s about movement and swiftness. The issue is learning to become aware of our needs at any given time. That means paying deep attention.
8. Does another person help you move on? Can they become your ‘rock’ or person to lean in some ways?
As in the example of the child scraping her knee, sometimes another person is needed to help us get up and move on. Yes, I believe there are times in life when we do really need to rely on the kindness and skills of others. We are social animals. John Dunne said, “No man is an island.” When you stop to think about it, while we think we are very independent and “should” be able to “handle” it all on our own, who really can and does? Don’t we depend on others for our food, clothes, shelter, services, clean water, etc. We are more dependent than we’d like to think. I think in times of loss and mourning, we need to be able to rely on the kindness and compassion of others. This is why all the great religious traditions have so much focus placed on mourning rituals and ceremonies. In Judaism for example, a mourner is not supposed to do any work at all. All responsibilities fall on the community to offer practical and spiritual help. I believe this is the way to go. That said, we need to modify the statement somewhat. We also cannot overburden our friends with our sorrow. People can only do what they are capable of doing. Our goal should be to refrain from harming self and others, even when we are in emotional pain. Therefore, it can be very helpful to meet with a
professional or some other person completely unrelated to the situation who can provide a safe and comfortable place, a non-judgmental stance, and an empathic perspective.

Stress Management

2008-10-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

The connection between mind and body has been only partially established. That is, we are aware of the effects that the body has on the mnd. We are clear that we can influence the functioning of our thoughts and emotions through physical interventions such as surgery, and pharmaceuticals. However, we are often unaware that the mind can influence what goes on in the body. Grief may be caused by stressors, feeling states, emotional strain or intensity, and the way we perceive things or the way we think. It is essential to establish the mind-body connection by actually experiencing it.

Grief Poem

2008-06-05T10:48:00.001-07:00

Grief

When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla
you must count yourself lucky.
You must offer her what's left
of your dinner, the book you were trying to finish
you must put aside,
and make her a place to sit at the foot of your bed,
her eyes moving from the clock
to the television and back again.
I am not afraid. She has been here before
and now I can recognize her gait
as she approaches the house.
Some nights, when I know she's coming,
I unlock the door, lie down on my back,
and count her steps
from the street to the porch.
Tonight she brings a pencil and a ream of paper,
tells me to write down
everyone I have ever known,
and we separate them between the living and the dead
so she can pick each name at random.
I play her favorite Willie Nelson album
because she misses Texas
but I don't ask why.
She hums a little,
the way my brother does when he gardens.
We sit for an hour
while she tells me how unreasonable I've been,
crying in the checkout line,
refusing to eat, refusing to shower,
all the smoking and all the drinking.
Eventually she puts one of her heavy
purple arms around me, leans
her head against mine,
and all of a sudden things are feeling romantic.
So I tell her,
things are feeling romantic.
She pulls another name, this time
from the dead,
and turns to me in that way that parents do
so you feel embarrassed or ashamed of something.
Romantic, she says,
reading the name out loud, slowly,
so I am aware of each syllable, each vowel
wrapping around the bones like new muscle,
the sound of that person's body
and how reckless it is,
how careless that his name is in one pile and not the other.

Matthew Dickman

Conquering Doubt and Fear

2008-05-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

Doubt and fear are two of the most negative elements in the human psyche. The end result of these two elements is immobility, paralysis. We cannot take a step either physically or mentally. Both the mind and body can be frozen with fear and doubt. Whatever we do to help ourselves surmount our grief (psychic pain), we must deal with these negativities. We cannot expect ourselves to be hopeful, or to have faith in moving forward, when doubt and fear are not handled. We are all aware of the placebo effect or of the increased speed of healing when optimism and hope are present. Thus when we believe that we can get better, there is a much better probability that we will, in fact, be successful.

You Were Encamped...

2008-01-22T06:13:00.000-08:00

You were encamped in the living room yesterday
And had mined the hall.
Every step exploded a memory.
Whether sour or sweet
They took my knees out each time.

There were simply no choices
I had to engage with you all day
Talking, pleading, recriminating
Laughing like a lunatic.
And afterward just alone.

Today, I stand in the hall watching
The ghost of an old cat arch against the corner
I know you are there
Rhyming my name with an exhalation of air
I feel on my neck.

For the first time, I turn back to the kitchen
Away from you,
Away from somewhere you are
Somewhere...
I will apologize again and again.

KC Conway

Keeping a Grief Journal

2008-01-18T09:41:00.000-08:00

Keeping a personal grief journal can help you process and sort out your thoughts, feelings, memories, images, sensations, and experiences. As you continue to write, you may begin to gain clarity of where you have been, where you are now, and where you want to be in the future. This writing activity helps you track your own journey through grief. Your journal is private. You are the only one who needs to read it, unless you want to share it with others.

Directions

Get a nice notebook. Give yourself as many pages as you think you’ll need for the following sections (these are suggestions and you might come up with some of your own):

1. The meaning of loss
2. A significant childhood loss
3. A significant loss in adolescence
4. A significant loss in adulthood
5. Hurting
6. Helping
7. Healing
8. Needs
9. Puzzles
10. Now
11. Beyond now

The remainder of the journal will be for periodic entries.

Under the 11 headings do the following:

1. The meaning of loss: write down your thoughts about loss as a universal and personal experience (i.e., all of us go through loss at some point in life, but we each do so in unique ways). Also, if the experience of loss means something to you, what is that?

2. Signifcant loss(es) in childhood: write down how you felt when you had a loss as a child and how you feel now about that loss. What made it hard? What made it bearable? What made it easy? What are the most striking parts of your loss? In what ways do you feel the loss affected or changed you? Looking back, can you see any value in going through your loss? If so, what is it? If not, then say so.

3. Significant loss(es) in adolescence: same as above except for age.

4. Significant loss(es) in adulthood: same as above except for age.

5. Hurting: write down your present loss-wounds and compare them to earlier times.

6. Helping: write down what has helped you cope with or heal your wounds.

7. Healing: write down your resources and healings after past loss(es). How are you healing your current grief?

8. Needs: What are your current needs? What would help you be self-respecting and caring of yourself now?

9. Puzzles: What curiosities and unanswered questions do you have about your loss(es)?

10. Now: How do you currently relate to your loss(es)? What do you notice about your present moment experience of being here and living with a history of loss(es)?

11. Beyond now: write down your fantasies and dreams about the future. What plans do you have for recovering newness and meaning in your life again?

Periodic entries: set up a private time and place for you to record your entries during the next few months. Your journal writing schedule can be daily or weekly with a minimum writing time of 20 minutes. Often people find it helpful to write down their feelings about the day. It is good at the end of the day to let yourself "simmer" a bit. Then take some time to re-member what happened and how you felt. Some days you may have several feelings to write about. Other days, one feeling may predominate. Ask yourself what it is like to experience that feeling. Was it unsettling, frightening, comforting, pleasant, painful? Did the feeling last a long time or was it short-lived? Was it familiar or unfamiliar? How did the feeling get expressed? Did you cry, laugh, shout, distract yourself, bottle it up? Was the feeling so upsetting that you refused to experience it? If nothing comes to mind, then you may need to begin by writing how it feels to sit at this moment trying to write. Be patient and the feelings will come.

Many people who begin a journal in a time of grief find that they develop an inner capacity to listen more and more closely and compassionately to themselves and others.

Grief Poem

2008-01-15T05:16:00.001-08:00

Sometimes poetry is the only rope bridge we can find to keep moving into and through our grief. This blessing-poem by John O'Donahue captures many of the elements of what it feels like in the mind, body, and soul to lose a loved one. Because it is also a blessing, it reminds us of renewal and healing as we move into the future a changing person.

Beannacht
("Blessing")

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

~ John O'Donohue ~

(Echoes of Memory)

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Finality

2007-12-01T05:20:00.000-08:00

Our experience of grief is a natural healing process. In order for it to begin its healing we must be willing to learn to tolerate a wide range of intense emotions. This Wordsworth poem captures the breadth and depth of emotions emanating from grief. We hear how the poet moves, sometimes plummets from joy to deep sorrow in recognition of his loss. Recognition of the finality of death is perhaps the hardest part of the grieving process. Our denial system begins to dissipate and the reality of impermanence moves into high relief. We are pinned down by the sheer concrete reality that our loved one is gone. Perhaps the most salient and lasting dimension of the grief process is our yearning to be reconnected with our loved one. Yet, as we do learn to tolerate these powerful emotions, we find that they come and go as waves on the ocean. And we can bring ourselves to experience—with growing compassion for ourselves—the most painful emotions. Thus, as the initial necessary numbness of grief wears off and the finality of loss emerges, we may notice that our memories flow more freely. We find the memories to be alive and dynamic. Perhaps this points a way for us to begin to transform our relationship to the deceased. We can begin to contact the part of our loved one we still have inside of us. This need not be a religious or spiritual connection, but simply a powerful emotional one.

Wordsworth

SURPRISED by joy — impatient as the Wind
I turned to share the transport — Oh! with whom
But Thee, deep buried in the silent tomb,
That spot which no vicissitude can find?
Love, faithful love, recalled thee to my mind —
But how could I forget thee? Through what power,
Even for the least division of an hour,
Have I been so beguiled as to be blind
To my most grievous loss?--That thought's return
Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore,
Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,
Knowing my heart's best treasure was no more;
That neither present time, nor years unborn
Could to my sight that heavenly face restore.

The Courage To Grieve

2007-11-09T04:31:00.000-08:00

Since we live in a world that is constantly changing, we are faced with loss on a daily basis. It may be useful to distinguish the kinds of losses we have to live with. Basically, there are two categories of loss: chronic and acute. Chronic loss constitutes our experiences—large and small—of not having things go the way we would like them to. The many disappointments, abandonments, unmet expectations, urequited needs and wants, broken promises, betrayals, etc. We try to cope with these simply as part of our human life. They are all losses. The author Stephen Levine imagines them as a "reservoir." A growing place deep inside us that reflects the underying universal reality of change. The accumulated material of life asserting itself into our best laid plans and forcing us to change and adapt our expectations. We may feel angry, hostile, unloved, not desireable. But beneath these feelings is the larger reality of impermanence, loss. Acute loss, on the other hand, is when someone or something is ripped away from us. The "rope burn" of losing contact, of being separated from a love object. Loss through death—whether expected or unexpected—results in acute and painful reactions. These reactions are unlearned, natural, universal and extremely personal. They range from physical to psychological to social to spiritual.

In either case, we are all suffering from loss. Indeed, loss seems to be the most certain aspect of our life. We are born into a world that is moving and transitory. Therefore, we have to develop ways of coping with our losses both chronic and acute. We have to care about doing the merciful thing for ourselves and others. Sending basic human warmth and kindness into our ongoing experiences of loss would be a good start. This is a courageous act. It is facing reality and learning through trial and error how to live increasingly in accordance with what is true. In a way, it is our attempt to live in growing harmony with the way things are.

September: A Time for Contradictions

2007-09-11T15:19:00.000-07:00

August and September are poignant times for most of us. The days get shorter and signal the end of summer. Evenings begin to cool off letting us know that winter approaches. The end of the summer growing season is at hand, and yet we are expected to begin anew. Most of us long ago have forgotten that September is the big time for new beginnings. We have let it slip from our memory that every September (August for some), for 13 years, we have started school (if we went to college we added 4 years, and graduate or technical schools might add even more). New teachers, new classes, new friends: a whole new world arrives every September with the start of school.

This new world brings with it challenges that we only glimpsed and tried to guess at. Before the start of school we tried to find out which teachers we would get, if we got the schedule of classes we wanted and whether or not we would be with old friends. Thus many of us faced these new challenges with a heavy load of hopes and fears.

After so many years the rhythm of new beginnings captures our emotions every September. And it is a poignant contradiction that the school schedule runs directly opposite of nature’s schedule. Spring, the natural season for new birth, actually is the end of the school year. Fall, nature’s end of the growth cycle, becomes the birthing time for our most important human endeavor. This central contradiction adds up to more confusion for children, because it rarely even comes into our awareness and almost never gets discussed.

We forget the power of the new school year. First, we are concerned about meeting our new teachers. In elementary school we only have one teacher. What an enormous disaster it is, when we don’t like that teacher. Schools make no allowance for the fact that many children and teachers don’t mesh and should not be placed in the same classroom. This poor match could be caused by many different factors. Personalities might clash. Pacing and energy might be in opposition. The slow-paced student who is hurried along by a fast-paced teacher, experiences real pain. Teachers may not be intellectually curious, and may discourage a bright student. Some students need lots of drill and repetition to learn best. Other students are bored to death by repetition.

The horror of spending an entire year with a teacher that doesn’t fit remains with us for a lifetime. This horror is magnified in elementary school, because we can’t leave and switch classes, like we do in high school. And even this switching of classes can cause real pain. Some students do poorly with multiple authority relationships, and they need to have the security of one or few adults to relate to.

Thus the way in which we faced new beginnings in school, has conditioned us to patterns for dealing with authority figures in later life. We often face new beginnings with the apprehension of a little child who might get stuck with a dreaded authority figure for a whole year.

In addition to worrying about teachers, we also panic about not getting the schedule of courses we want or need. Some people are held back from graduating, because they couldn’t enroll in the mandatory courses. We tense up when thinking about all the requirements that have to be met in order to graduate. The higher up we go on the educational ladder, the more significant this becomes. The more serious we are about learning, the more important it is to actually get the teachers and courses we seek. And yet the educational bureaucracy rarely individualizes enough to take our desires into account.

So it is that as we deal with educators, we may allow them to reinforce feelings of low self-esteem. Each time that the system does not meet our unique needs, it implies to us that we are not worthy enough to get what we need. Believing that we cannot get what we need can vastly expand our mountain of anxiety.

In addition to coping with new teachers and new schedules, we have to cope with the potential loss of old friends, and the difficulties of making new friends. Adults tend to underestimate the importance that friends hold for children. In therapy I have seen many people slip back to a time in childhood when they had to move to a new school. Invariably, grief and sometimes even trauma, are the results. Often, this underlying loss of friends causes much sadness and depression.

We as adults may have been traumatized by a childhood move and yet we have repressed it in our memories. We have had to make many moves as adults. Changing jobs, changing cities, changing whole careers, has forced us to adapt, often at high cost. While some of us are fully aware of the toll that moving takes, most of us have tried to put it our of our minds. Thus it is hard for us to listen to a child’s pain, because it may reawaken that pain inside of us.

So, September carries with it many contradictions, most of which we have long since forgotten. If, however, we want to better manage the new beginnings of this time of year we need to allow these memories to resurface and find ways to drain them of their intensity. Not going it alone is a good start. Mentors, therapists, sponsors, friends, trusted relatives, can all be approached. Usually we don’t need help with advice or problem solving. Instead, we often need to be listened to. It is rare to find good listeners, but we have to keep searching. We also can develop a positive self-talk, in which we remind ourselves that we are no longer little school kids. As adults we have choices. We are not helpless to change bad situations. A person does not really need a therapist to have this kind of therapy session. Another important factor is to begin to reframe the pain and turn it into a challenge. It is helpful to turn the experience of a new beginning into a learning activity. We should carefully consider what we can learn from the new beginning and make that more important than the outcome. If we let go of the outcome and invest in learning, we set up a situation that allows us to succeed no matter what happens. Finally, we need to use our imagination. Our brain power is woefully underutilized. We can visualize a successful conclusion to the new beginning. If going to a job interview, you can visualize yourself leaving the office while the interviewer is telling you how well you have done, and imagine feelings of pride and competence. We can stand to spend some time fantasizing about successful conclusions. September is a good time for that.

Grief. Trauma. Crisis.

2007-04-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

Often these words and experiences seem interchangeable. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't. Perhaps, the more relevant question is "how can I help myself and others when one or all of these experiences occur(s)."

People need to have many ways of resourcing themselves. We have to have a variety of mechanisms to deal with the deep stresses of a grief, crisis or trauma. Sometimes it is fine to rely on one’s own internal reserves. But not in isolation or for too long. Often people describe a sense of “going on automatic” and accomplishing the practical tasks during/after a crisis or trauma that need tending quite effortlessly. At some point, however, it is typical for us to hit a limit and really need to get help. In our culture asking for help is quite complicated. We have been raised to believe deeply in the myth of the lone ranger. If we are to get through a crisis or trauma this myth has to be shattered and replaced with one of slowing down, reaching out, and finding appropriate help. Going on automatic inevitably begins to fizzle us out. Skillful help comes in three forms. First, help that we ask for. Second, help that others offer and ask specifics about. Third, help that comes without us asking. People providing help and care should be sensitive. Listening is key. What is needed? The needs can range from the most practical (fixing and delivering a meal, transportation) to psychological (sitting with and listening to painful emotions such as guilt, anger, sadness). Helpers should not give pat answers to deep and complicated concerns (“there, there, it’ll be okay"). They should offer presence and support, keep in touch, offer to accompany the person going through the difficulty. As Grollman points out, the pronouns of crisis and trauma are “I”, “Me,” and “Mine.” Helpful language comes from the heart. If we’ve been in a trauma or crisis ourselves, then it is easier to access the language of empathy and compassion. Also, take into account the person you know who is going through the experience of crisis or trauma. There is always a person behind the powerful reactions s/he may be having. Connect with that person. Remember the shared history and draw from it to shape your responses. If you don’t know the person very well, then go into your own subjective experience of worry, dread, despair, uncertainty, etc., and use it to extend your empathy.

Emotional release can be encouraged in may ways. Again, we need to have a variety of formats. Some people find they are able to really let their emotions out through vigorous exercise. Others, find talking to a friend is the best way to release. We have to invite in ease and support in order to let go of pent-up stress and tension. Talking to a therapist who is capable of helping people through intense and messy emotional states is often a good way to go. While friends and family can be helpful, at times we need to go deeper than they can or will go with us. In general emotional release is good for the mind and body. But it is crucial to process any emotional release. As humans we need to make meaning of our experiences as well as find the root causes of our suffering. It is not good enough to take a tennis racket to a pillow. We must also understand the deeper conditions within ourselves that strongly influence how we perceive and experience the world.

In general, information is good to have. We need to get the facts of our situation to know what we’re dealing with. However, there may be times when too much information is overwhelming. People should practice the principle of non-harming to the best of their ability. This means that if the information being gathered is causing suffering or harm to self or others, then it should temporarily cease. At this point it may be more useful to stop the action and process the content that has already been gathered. In general, in our culture we tend to be much more invested in content than process. If we keep piling on the content without processing it, our cognitive and emotional systems begin to clog up. This tendency renders us more susceptible to despair. It is crucial to pace ourselves take time to digest what we are learning. We often have to partialize and take things in smaller pieces in order to keep from being engulfed by the crisis/trauma.

Set backs and relapses are a normal part of any emotional process. While we are built to evolve and move forward, we often get stuck in old compelling habit patterns. When this happens, it is important not to resist the temporary suspension. The path to healing is infinitely patient. We have to bring patience and compassion to ourselves. Our automatic impulse toward feeling stuck is disgust and self-loathing. But neither of these help us out of the muck. Sending hatred into a stubbed toe, makes the pain worse. Compassion makes it better. Resistance is what keeps us from experiencing what is actually occurring. The frustration of being stuck needs to sequence through the mind and body. It needs to live out it’s own life. That requires taking time to explore its nature and causes. The main thing is to stay interested in one’s own process. That sense of curiosity and exploration can guide us through even the most difficult of times.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

The Phases of Mourning

2007-04-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

Much has been said and written about the so-called stages of mourning. It is more useful and accurate to conceive of mourning in terms of phases that are non-linear and highly personal. Yes, as humans our experience of loss and mourning are universal, but the range of subjective reactions are unique to each person. To mourn in a healthy way is to take the time and energy necessary to experience these "phases: recognize the loss, react to the separation that has occurred through loss, recollect the realities of the lost relationship, and begin to readjust and reinvest in order to move adaptively into a "new world" without forgetting the old. When complications in mourning occur it is usually because there has been some failure or distortion of the natural phases of mourning described above. Denying, repressing, or avoiding aspects of the loss and its pain, invariably lead to complications in mourning. There are other factors which predispose mourners to complications. Theresa Rando, PhD has written extensively on this subject. These factors include: loss of child, death after an over-lengthy illness, death the mourner perceives as preventable, a relationship with the deceased that was marked by anger, ambivalence, and/or dependency.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

The American Hospice Foundation's Annual Conference

2007-03-28T05:38:00.000-07:00

Last week the American Hospice Foundation held its annual conference. The Center had an information booth and our director, David Fireman, LCSW participated as a panelist. This years theme was "before and after death." As is the custom for this conference a panel of experts in bereavement counseling and consultation had been assembled and broadcasted from Washington D.C. to the various participating local sites throughout the country. We found this years conference to be particulary informative about grief and mourning. Certainly, chief among the insights shared was that there is no correct timetable for grieving. While grief is a universal response to the loss of a loved one, it is also extremely personal. That said, if the normal grief reactions of sadness, longing for reconnection, rage, anxiety, fear, inability to concentrate or make decisions, etc., begin to significantly interfere with daily living and functioning, then seeking professional help is needed. Currently, there is some debate as to whether there should be a psychiatric diagnosis for "prolonged grief," or "complicated mourning." At the Center we do find there are, indeed, complications that come up for people as they are grieving their loss(es). There are many sources of complications. Some of them stem from a loss experience that was marked by trauma. In other words, people are more likely to have a complicated mourning process if the stressors associated with the loss overwhelm their natural grief reactions. Examples of this kind of scenario include: sudden unexpected death, death of a child, violent death, death that the griever perceived as preventable. These kinds of situations often render mourners helpless and impotent and they are more likely to suffer from complications. There are certain phases that mourners typically work through in order to begin restoring their sense of selfhood and adjusting to life without their loved one. These phases or processes are challenged in the wake of traumatic bereavement. By seeing a grief therapist mourners can begin to allow themselves to experience the full range and depth of their reactions. They are then more likely to begin emerging from their complicated grief in order to re-enter the world. They begin to strengthen their capacity to remember history and move forward into a new future. More on the phases of mourning in our next installment.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

Poem

2006-11-15T05:28:00.000-08:00

Many people find writing poetry about their loss can be a way of helping themselves through the grief process. While the grief experience is universal, it is also extremely personal. Here is a poem written by a friend of the Center's.

Reading Into Grief

I find notes from you
In your graceful hand
Whose letters curve
With imaginative flair.

Messages of love
And artistic promise
For me, your only son,
Painter, poet, musician...
You loved the Arts
And poetry kept you going,
You told me more than once.

Across the title page
Of your collected poetry,
Your cursive missive climbs.
Your poems remind us again
Of your vivid life of the senses.
Your words like flowers grow
Out of the silence.

Reading into this grief,
I feel your absence today
While my garden goes on
As usual, raising its mute blossoms
For the May sun to bless
With heaven’s colors.

This lonesomeness
For you pulls me under,
Deafened by the stillness
Without your voice reciting here.

There is the empty chair
Before your writing desk,
Your books on shelves you painted
White as the seashells
On your windowsill.

There in your photograph
You pose merrily in Santa’s hat
With bells to jingle while you laugh.
I can almost hear that beautiful music
Through the snowfall of winters gone.

The table where we gathered
And every room is too big
Without you. We have come full circle
To the season when you dreamed your life away,
And even then, the day turned bright
And trees swayed with singing birds.
How can there be so much beauty in the world
Without your newest poem?

This May morning full of light
Brings little comfort.
Heavy with grief,
I long for your smile, my mother’s touch,
Your latest loving thoughts
For life and all of us.

Ward Smith

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

Grief in the Workplace

2006-10-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

An Outline for Helping

STOP THE ACTION
The first step in dealing with a death in an institution or workplace is to stop the normal activities and reschedule so that employees can come together sharing their thoughts and feelings. Depending on the organization, this moratorium will take differing forms. In a school it is relatively easy to call all of the staff and students together in the auditorium, causing a complete halt in all business. However, in a business where salespersons are out of the office and everyone has a varied schedule, this will be much more difficult. One the other hand, many businesses have adopted the practice of actually closing for a day to honor the deceased. While this is a valuable mechanism, it precludes everyone coming together to share.

FOCUS TO FEEL, TALK, SHARE
One of the most healing endeavors is to make time to express, process and share the feelings that are evoked by grief. By stopping the usual activities, we provide an opening to allow for sharing. It is often useful to invite an outside facilitator to help lead the group(s). Getting together has to be an individualized process, especially in larger institutions. Logically selected groups may meet separately after everyone meets as a unit. Or if it’s not possible for all staff to be together, then a series of smaller meetings may be the start, leading up to a larger ceremony or remembrance.

USE DIFFERING FORMATS
Because people function differently to start with and then they grieve in their own style, it is important to offer as many different formats as possible. For example, some people find a group very intimidating and would not be able to express their thoughts and feelings. Thus they would need a one-on-one situation. Some people find ceremonies healing, while some find them unappealing. In one school where several students had been killed in a car accident, a large assembly was held immediately to make the announcement and get initial reactions. Then students went to their homerooms where they could talk with a familiar teacher. All
teachers were asked to either cancel their usual lesson or relate it to the event. Desks were set up in the hallway where parents, social workers, pastors and others were stationed. Several private offices were available for one-to-one intensive sessions, and several small group rooms were staffed for drop in discussions. Thus, many formats were offered and students could use whatever was best for them. The wide range, from casual hallway chats to serious private sessions, proved very useful. This service array was kept in place for several days.

CREATE CEREMONY / RITUAL
Ceremony and ritual can be very healing for most people. The ceremony can be as simple as having everyone take time to sign a card that goes to the bereaved family or it can be actually planning and conducting the funeral or memorial. In addition periodic remembrances offer opportunities to process thoughts and feelings that arise. Anniversaries are useful marker points and can be utilized for ceremonies.

PROVIDE MANY OPPORTUNITIES
We need to remind ourselves that one chance to grieve isn’t enough. Some employees may be in shock and not be able to take advantage of an event. So the more opportunities and repetitions that we can offer, the more effective will be our healing. By offering as many formats as possible, and as many varieties of activities as possible, we can support a diverse group of workers.

UTILITZE DIVERSE HELPERS
Wherever possible it is effective to use a wide spectrum of helping persons. Once again we need to take into account the uniqueness of people and their emotional and behavioral responses. Some people may feel perfectly at home with a cleric, while others either lack any religious background or even blame God for their trauma. Some people may be comfortable spilling out their deepest emotions with a volunteer while they recoil at the very mention of talking with a psychotherapist. And we are all very complicated so that we might feel comfortable unburdening ourselves with a volunteer, yet reserve certain issues for a clergyman and other issues for a social worker.

CONCLUSION
The above process is designed to allow the workplace to take responsibility for those issues that deeply affect its constituency. The process provides the maximum individualization, while still encouraging people to share what they can with each other. Taking into account our individual uniqueness does not require us to carry our burdens totally alone. Sharing emotions and memories can be very healing.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

A Grief Out of Season

2006-10-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

We are not prepared to lose a friend and colleague in the span of a day or weekend. We are not prepared to have death come to us so suddenly, unexpectedly, almost assaultively. Work is the known world—the place for demonstrating our strength, our competence, our viability to exact predictable results. We are broadsided by the news of sudden, violent, and senseless death. And it is as if, for a moment, time stands still, as we take in the information that a person of youth and promise, our friend and colleague, has died. This truly is a time of grief out of season.

In the workplace, this may leave a desk marked by personal touches, work in progress, voicemail and email still active. It leaves conversations unfinished and relationships suspended. It requires us to take care of our colleague’s workload, even before we have fully processed our own reactions.

And what is this thing call “grief?” Grief is the natural, healthy, spontaneous, unlearned, normal, emotional healing process that occurs after a significant loss. It includes aspects that are both so very unique to each of us, and aspects that are universal to our species as biological and emotional beings. An elephant mother in the wild allows the herd to go its way as she stays for days caring for and mourning a dying offspring. Cutting edge research shows that the human brain registers emotional wounds in the exact location as physical injury, a fact known subjectively by all of us who have experienced heartbreak, the aftermath of divorcing families, the disorganization of relocation, the unrealized hopes of lost dreams, and the myriad of the challenges of life’s endings and beginnings.

In the case of sudden loss, though, people describe a reaction that includes feeling helpless, vulnerable, or even fearful. This loss out of season rocks our reality. The world no longer seems as controllable, predictable, or as fair as we thought it to be. This can be unbalancing in ways that affect our feeling, thinking, and behaving.

We may feel waves of sadness. And we may experience irritability or anger at the circumstance of this particular loss, at the upset to our belief in the fairness of life and our belief in the expected order of life events. We may feel guilty that we don’t feel what others are feeling. Or we may find that this loss triggers the memory of past losses, perhaps even ones that we thought were long past and resolved. And we may feel remembrances of our national and world crises—September 11th, for example.

And having these feelings, coming and going, as is expectable in grief, we can feel fatigued, preoccupied, or distracted. Sometimes people may notice sleep disturbances, restlessness, and anxiety, or feel more susceptible to physical illness. And so for a time, work productivity may be off, and relationships may feel the strain of this more intense internal process.

All of these reactions may be normal in the days and weeks ahead, in this time of grief out of season. Initial reactions of shock and numbness may shift to the more active signs of grieving we have been describing. At the very least, the disruption in the normal flow of the workplace brings with it significant stress. And so, it is a time to stop the action. Talk. Think. Contemplate. Some may be challenged with questions regarding their religious faith, or the meaning of life. Talk some more. To your friends and colleagues here. To family and other supports. If you notice reactions that stay with you in a troubling way—there is no right or wrong way to grieve and rebalance after loss—then take another step. Consider talking with a professional, a therapist or clergy member.

For many, this is a first loss. So you have no prototype for your own reactions or feelings. This is a loss out of season, and many of your same age friends will not be able to relate to your experience. Keep an eye on yourself in the days and weeks ahead. Plan your strategies to de-stress and reorient. You will rebalance. And the world will stabilize. And it will also be normal if it feels like there is a shift occurring inside. Because today is deepened and colored, with remembrance, in this season of grief.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

Taking Care of Yourself

2006-09-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

In order to stay as balanced as possible when grief evokes intense and variable emotional states, we must attend to body, mind and spirit. Use gentle, peaceful means, and be patient with your self and your process.

BODY
Make gentle, slow changes that you can hold to the rest of your life.

Nutrition: Avoid the standard American diet of too much sugar, fat, salt, protein, and processed foods, which include most of the above, plus toxic chemicals. Move towards whole grains, unprocessed vegetables, fish and poultry. Food is primitive and basic, so understand that we use it for many purposes, both physical and psychological.

Exercise: We need to have two types of exercise on a regular basis in order to maintain balance and health. Cardiovascular exercise should be at minimum 20-45 minutes, not necessarily done consecutively, three times per week. The safest is brisk walking or swimming. More difficult on the body are high-impact sports, like aerobics and running. Secondly, we need strength, flexibility and energy for the body. These are best gained from non-Western styles, such as yoga, tai chi and other mind-body integrated systems.

Stress Management: The body itself needs to be de-stressed from chronic physical and muscular holding patterns. Meditation and imagery have proven to be the premiere forms of physical stress reduction. Deeper states of consciousness create new chemical production arrays from the brain, reduce chronic muscle tension, lower blood pressure, and elevate our moods. Try to find a good teacher. Massage is also good. In fact, we should be conscious of our need for non-sexual, physical touch. We want to be held, petted and taken care of through warm, safe, physical affection. In addition, sexuality is one of nature’s healing methods of stress reduction. Try to maintain your intimate relationships as smoothly as possible.

Touch: We can’t forget that we are part of the animal kingdom and that we need physical affection and nurturing. Ashley Montague’s book, Touching, provides a vivid list of all the ways touch is used by animals. We should be careful to be clear about how we want to be touched so that we don’t get into uncomfortable or dangerous situations while we are off-balance.

MIND
A vast resource that you can use in many ways to support you during this process.

Nurturing: We need to find as many ways as possible to nurture ourselves. Grief evokes a wide range of feelings and an intensity of emotion that often makes people worry about their balance and even their sanity. We aren’t used to dealing with the natural intensity and range of feelings that come to us as we go through the grieving process. Therefore, we need to both nurture ourselves and allow others to take care of us. We need to reach out to family and friends in as many ways as possible.

Soothing: Healthy people have a wide range of soothing mechanisms. Since we are all different, and no one activity works for all, we must find the experiences that fit for us. Some find calm in a book, a warm bath, a vigorous game of tennis, or a walk. Nature is often soothing and peaceful. We should be aware of all of our senses. Sounds such as music or water can often be helpful. Scents from flowers or aromatic oils, tastes of good food, and as we discussed, touch. Vision takes 25% of our daily energy expenditure, so be sure to surround yourself with beauty.

Being Listened To: One of the greatest gifts anyone can provide is to listen and attempt to understand another human being. We always need to have this, but especially so when our soul cries out in pain.

Reasoning: Our mind holds both emotions and thoughts, so we must attend to our rational processes also. Finding meaning in what happened and coming to terms with the results of the death are important. We can use our thought processes to help us understand the permanent changes and the results of those changes.

SPIRIT
Connection to that which is more vast than you, be it nature, your community or a higher deity.

Ceremonies and Rituals: If you have a spiritual tradition that links you to others and that provides a path for mourning, you are very fortunate. All religions used to have elaborate ceremonies and practices that supported bereaved people. Most of these practices have been abridged, and it is necessary to invent our own. In fact, we are a secular society in which many people are not connected to any spiritual path, so that we may need to develop our own ceremonies.

Connection to the Universe: A death or serious loss can make us feel that our place in the universe no longer exists. One major function of any spiritual path is to teach us that we are a child of God, meaning that we belong on this earth, that we have a significant role to play, and that our life has meaning and value. We need to feel connected to family, friends, community, all of humanity, all sentient beings, and all of the cosmos. When we lose that spiritual connection, we are off-balance, and must get our spirit reconnected.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

2006-09-23T17:56:00.000-07:00

The Center for Grief Recovery and Creativity E-Letter
Autumn 2006

Greetings and Happy Autumn!

"One way or another, we all have to find what best fosters
the flowering of our humanity in this contemporary life, and dedicate
ourselves to that."

Joseph Campbell

I hope you had a brilliant summer. For me, with all of the rainfall this past season, and the vegetation being so lush, it was a sheer pleasure to be outdoors. I hope you found this to be so for you, too. And now we forge ahead to prepare for autumn, a season, which for many reasons embodies a host of contradictions.

“August and September are poignant times for most of us. The days get shorter and signal the end of summer. Evenings begin to cool off letting us know that winter approaches. The end of the summer growing season is at hand, and yet we are expected to begin anew. Most of us long ago have forgotten that September is the big time for new beginnings. We have let it slip from our memory that every September (August for some), for thirteen years, we have started school. (If we went to college we added four years, and graduate or technical schools might add even more). New teachers, new classes, new friends—a whole new world arrives every September with the start of school.”

Jerry Rothman, LCSW, P.h.D., the Center’s co-founder, and first director, wrote these words in 1998, when he was reflecting upon the role school continues to play in our lives. Certainly, as I have discovered by meditating and talking with clients, this time of year does bring with it many difficult challenges. As Jerry pointed out, many of us, for example, have forgotten the power and influence of the new school year. Recall that in elementary school we only have one teacher. What an enormous disaster it is when we don’t like that teacher. Very few schools make allowances for the fact that many children and teachers don’t mesh for various reasons. Personalities clash. Pacing and energy might be in opposition. The slower-paced student who is hurried along by a faster-paced teacher experiences real emotional pain. The horror of spending an entire year with a teacher that doesn’t fit remains with us for a lifetime. Often, too, we may have had bad peer relations, causing us to feel isolated, alone, and depressed.

Another contradiction of this time of year can be seen in the fact that the school schedule runs directly opposite of nature’s schedule. Spring, the natural season for new birth, is actually the end of the school year. Autumn, nature’s end of the growth cycle, becomes the birthing time for our most important human endeavor: learning. This central contradiction adds up to more confusion for children, because it rarely even comes into our awareness and almost never gets talked about.

So, for us it is a time to bring these facts into our awareness and encourage others do so as well in their own ways. In so doing, as Joseph Campbell suggests, we help ourselves begin to discover what is in us waiting to be dedicated to the flowering of our own humanity. Autumn is a time for reflection and bringing our attention lightly inward to notice more clearly these possibilities. It is a time to have our new beginnings, to initiate and generate, but also to be mindful of the many contradictions of this time of year.

In this way, at the Center we continue our mission to help empower and heal individuals to enrich their lives. We do this work through individual, couples, family, and group psychotherapy. In addition to our work in the office, we provide on-site consultations and professional trainings in many areas. (See our Institute for Creativity and Development webpage).

As you may know we, too, have been experiencing new beginnings. For example, our former director, Chris Lucia Rothman, Psy.D., has moved to Florida on a full-time basis, and remains connected to us as our administrative and clinical consultant. She has begun a new psychotherapy practice in West Palm Beach, and continues to phone conference and visit with clients in Chicago quarterly. We also celebrated a 10th year anniversary for our colleague KC Conway, LCSW, whose work in psychotherapy is truly wonderful and far-reaching. Our colleague Allan Schnarr, Ph.D., has moved to a new home and office, where he sees several Center clients in addition to using our location in Rogers Park. My responsibilities have widened to encompass what I refer to as “running the therapy shop.” So, while I continue to enjoy seeing clients in my practice I am also keeping the fires stoked as our director. I am excited about these new beginnings and look forward to informing you about more of them in the coming months. For example, our Institute for Creativity and Development will be introducing several new and exciting services. Stay tuned for more information.

So with the strong and sincere aspiration for peaceful change and transition into this next challenging phase of the year the Center sends warm regards. We are easy to reach.

Please feel free to contact us with any questions or comments.

Sincerely,

David Fireman, LCSW
Director - 773/274-4600
Center for Grief Recovery and Creativity
1263 W. Loyola
Chicago, IL 60626
Find us www.griefcounselor.org at our website.

Good Quote

2006-09-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

Many people ask how long they will grieve their loss. There is no correct timetable for the grief experience. Here is a quote from an excellent book entitled, "Living When a Loved One Has Died," by Earl A. Grollman:

"Grief work takes time.
How long?
Much depends upon you and your relationship to your beloved.
When did your loved one die?
Was there a long illness?
How much help have you been given?

Did you think you are demonstrating your love by prolonging the length
of your grief?

Because there are many variables,
one person may quickly pick up
the threads and work out new patterns
of behavior,
while another, even after a longer
grieving period, still cannot adjust
to a new life."

Find us here at our website.

Good Quote

2006-09-20T15:37:00.000-07:00

We are a non-sectarian counseling center. However, each of us considers spirituality to be of importance in the work we do in psychotherapy. It is a privilege to companion our clients on their personal odysseys. Often we do draw from our own and others' spiritual foundations in order to support and enhance the psychological aspects of the work. That said, we value our clients' experiences and honor their unique ways of making meaning in their lives, whether this involves spiritual insights or not.

Here is a powerful quote from an old favorite:

"Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth.
Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times."

Thich Nhat Hanh

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

Managing the Holidays

2006-09-20T04:05:00.000-07:00

Holidays Can Be Difficult
No matter what your religion or lack thereof, the holiday time can be most trying. The holidays stir up memories of the past, evoke powerful feelings, and force us to compare our life situation to that of the perfect family portrayed on television.

Memories of the past are tied to this time of year. Many people have traditions which are sanctioned by religion, but many also have traditions which are more secular in nature. The gift giving, the taking of vacations, the sharing of special times or activities -- may have been part of the joy that we had with a lost loved one. Getting through the first season can nightmarish and the next ones may be a bit more moderate, but still quite painful emotionally. All of these memories of good times and rituals shared together may raise bittersweet thoughts and feelings.

Not only good times shared, but bad times shared may be dredged up. If we are like many people, the holidays may have been unpleasant for economic or emotional reasons. In this case, we may feel guilty that we couldn't have provided better for our son or daughter, wife or husband, father or mother. Thus, the holidays are times of great emotional intensity to start with, and a death may build on this foundation and add to the feelings of loss that arise from memories.

Thus, it is not memories alone that are dredged up to haunt us, it is the feelings that may accompany these memories, that also cause pain. Powerful emotions are evoked by the holidays and these are added to our intensity, generated by our loss. We may experience a whole range of feelings which are hard for us to tolerate. Sadness is difficult enough, but loneliness, emptiness, helplessness and vulnerability are even harder to manage. Given the stereotype of the American character, these emotions are almost opposite and often considered negative in our society.

Another reason that the holidays can be disappointing is that we are bombarded with stereotypes of the perfect family, experiencing nothing but joy and warmth on a white Christmas. This myth has been commercialized and used to sell merchandise in mass quantities. It is therefore a force to be reckoned with and one that we can't escape. We are made to compare the reality of our loss-filled family life with the myth of perfect family closeness that we see on television. This painful comparison is often unsatisfactory to even healthy families, but families who have sustained losses are even further from the mark.

What to Do
There are a good many ways to facilitate getting through difficult periods of time. Although first, it's important to have a mindset that you are not helpless. We may feel helpless and hopeless, but that doesn't mean we really are. Once you get it firmly established that you can do some things to make life more bearable, then you can get busy and implement some of the following suggestions.

First, express the feelings as they arise. It's not only OK to grieve, but it is important to grieve. Grief is a process that may be painful, but it has healing qualities. So tolerate the difficult emotions and express them to yourself and others. Anger, sadness, frustration, loneliness, vulnerability, helplessness, emptiness and others may all be present. The mourning process can be very painful because of the intensity and range of feelings that arise. It is healthier to let them be and not try to sweep them under the rug.

Having said this, it is also important to modify the statement by adding that it's not OK to express these feelings in a way that harms yourself or others. It isn't the feelings themselves that can cause damage; it's what we do with them or how we express them that needs to be monitored. In doing so, be aware of the burden you place on others. You can't ask people to help you beyond their own ability to tolerate feelings. Thus, we can't expect friends and relatives to be continuously receptive. We have to be aware of their limits. There is no point in being bitter, if they simply can't keep listening and absorbing your grief. Ask from them only what they can give or you may be sorely disappointed.

Another way you can help yourself through the holidays is to honor the memory of your loved one. Acknowledge their importance to you and make up ceremonies that express that awareness. Through thoughts, feelings, traditions and ceremonies you can express some of the grief that you feel and gain some comfort. Rituals may be easier for some of your friends to share, so make use of them. Or you may find comfort in developing new traditions that honor the memory of your loved one. A contribution to charity, a day of volunteering in honor of your memories, or a visit to the grave may have some use to you.

Planning activities and ways to stay busy or keep from being too busy, can give you the right mixture of activity and freedom from unnecessary stress. You can review your own needs and decide how to plan. If you can't stand the idea of being alone, you could plan activities with others. If you find being alone valuable and your holiday season is usually set at a frantic pace with social obligations, you could reconsider and cancel some of the get-togethers.

Find a way to soothe yourself. When under stress, we need to be willing to indulge ourselves sometimes. We each have differing ways to calm our troubled souls. Think about what you have historically done to take care of yourself. Go ahead and give in to some soothing activities as long as they aren't destructive to self or others. For example, if eating is a significant soother, then you may want to let yourself gain a few pounds over the holidays and take off the weight afterwards when the emotional strains are moderated. However, if you have a weight problem, you may find it harmful to your self-esteem to gain weight. You'll have to balance the pro's and con's of each method of soothing.

Other Ideas To Think About
First, it is necessary to get beyond the myth of a blissful, perfect holiday season. We have to realize that many people are unhappy during this time and they are unhappy for many different reasons. Grief and sadness may intervene and need to be attended to. This isn't unusual or bad. So accept what is for you and deal with it; avoid denying what's going on and you'll be able to use the above techniques to cope.

Another useful idea is that we need to express as much emotion as we can tolerate without becoming overwhelmed. So, on the one hand, it is important to express and explore our emotions rather than avoid becoming aware of them. While on the other hand, we have to use some soothing techniques to help us manage so that we don't totally lose our balance. Too much flooding with feelings can destroy our equilibrium. So find the balance that fits for you and express whatever you can, while also being kind to yourself through using your own unique soothers.

An additional significant idea is that you have to individualize all of the advice you get. That is, there are no correct formulas for managing in difficult times. Look at the ways you function as an individual and tailor all of the friendly and professional advise so that it fits your situation and your needs. Don't sacrifice your uniqueness to a formula or to what someone else claims to be the right way.

You might consider another concept that can be helpful. Being said is often confused with being depressed. There are some quick concepts that help differentiate. Sadness is not the same as depression. And being sad won't make you depressed. Here are some comparisons:

Sadness

Can be shared with others
Humor interspersed
Periods of energy
Light at the end of the tunnel

Depression

Is isolating, withdrawn
Little or no sense of humor
Tired, deflated
No hope, pessimistic

There is another dualism that should be explored. Useful, purposeful action around planning satisfying activities is different from driven, frenzied action, which we might conveniently call hyperactivity:

Purposeful Action

Use of intelligence
Mindful of our needs
Feelings are expressed

Hyperactivity

Unconscious, unthought out
Symbolic or unaware
Feelings are avoided;
actions take their place

Conclusion
The holidays may not be a time of perfect bliss and your true feelings may be quite different from the mythology that commercial television and the media portray. Give yourself some leeway to be yourself and to accept whatever your feelings tell you. In fact, the holiday season can be one of the most difficult times of the year for mourners and for many other folks. However, you can understand and act, so that you are not helpless, and you can creatively cope with whatever the season brings to you. While no one enjoys pain, you can take this opportunity to face your troubles and to work on them in a way that can be creative and meaningful.

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How Do You Know Therapy is Working?

2006-09-20T03:52:00.000-07:00

How Do You Know Therapy is Working?

There are many ways of thinking about and answering this question. We hear a lot of ideas and answers from others, but what are some specific measures or outcomes you can identify to help you with this important question?

To address this question, the Institute has developed a list of outcomes that you can use. Remember that each person is unique and will have their own particular version or experience of these outcomes:

•You feel increasingly mature
•You feel more powerful
•You are more active and less passive
•You give up attempts to control others yet have more influence with others
•You have increased ability to shape the environment
•You are more aware of your deeper needs, and get more of your needs met
•You are more independent
•You are more connected to others
•You have a broader range of emotional responses
•You feel more balanced

Please send us other outcomes you may have noticed in yourself if you have had a course of therapy or would like to have if you are considering it. Either way we would welcome your comments.

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Managing New Beginnings

2006-09-20T03:46:00.000-07:00

Autumn is a poignant time of year. The contradiction of having to start new activities (e.g., school) in the face of nature's end of the growing season can be rather difficult. Here is an article about helping yourself with your new beginnings.

1. Let whatever emotional pain you are experiencing come into your awareness. What are your hopes and fears about the future? List them. What memories come from the past? Painful memories tend to lose their power when they are published. Secrets become more and more powerful. You can use journaling to publish your memories and talk them over with trusted friends and supporters.

2. Reach out for support. Don’t’ try to go it alone. Mentors, sponsors, friends, trusted relatives, can all be approached. Usually we don’t need help with advice or problem solving. We often need to be listened to. It’s rare to find good listeners, but we have to keep searching.

3. Now that we are aware and feel supported, we can begin to reframe the pain and turn it into a challenge. It’s most important to turn the experience of a new beginning into a learning activity. Carefully consider what you can learn from this new beginning and make that more important than the outcome. If we let go of the outcome and invest in learning, we set up a situation that allows us to succeed no matter what happens.

4. Intervene with yourself. We need to develop a positive self-talk, in which we remind ourselves that we are no longer little school kids. As adults we have choices; we aren’t helpless to change bad situations. You don’t need a therapist to have this kind of therapy session.

5. Visualize a successful conclusion to the new beginning. If you are going to a job interview, you can visualize yourself leaving the office while the interviewer is telling you how well you have done, and imagine the feelings of pride and competence. Spend some time fantasizing about this most successful conclusion.

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The Grief Experience

2006-09-20T03:35:00.000-07:00

Here is an article about grief. At the Center we see grief as a universal response to loss, which is expressed in extremely unique ways.

Grief is the natural, healthy, spontaneous, unlearned, normal, emotional, healing process that occurs after a significant loss. Grief is experienced uniquely by each of us, and is often experienced in waves, with emotions, thinking, physical, and social responses coming and going in terms of the intensity, duration, and order of our reactions to the loss. In addition there are many other variables that can affect our grief reaction.

Emotional Components of loss can include:

Shock, numbness, feeling of unreality
Helplessness
Vulnerability
Fearfulness
Sadness
Anger, irritability
Emptiness, loneliness
Guilt
Carelessness, harming oneself or others in any way
Outbursts, euphoria

Cognitive Components of loss can include:
Slowed and/or disorganized thinking
Confusion, aimlessness, difficulty concentrating
Preoccupation, rumination
Unaffected, no thoughts at all about the person or the circumstances
Dreams
Decreased self-esteem
Altered perceptions, sensing the presence of the deceased person

Physical Components of loss can include:
Fatigue, sleep disturbance
Decreased or increased appetite
Physical distress, nausea
Anxiety, hypo- or hyperactivity
Greater susceptibility to illness

Social Components of loss can include:
Being unaware of others' needs
Passivity
Withdrawing from or avoiding others
Decreased work productivity
Loss of interest in usual pleasures, including hobbies, relationships and/or sex
Strained relationships, differences in grieving needs between self and others

Variables that can affect your grief reaction:
Your own history of past losses, through deaths, divorce, relocation, lost dreams, phase of life changes. Violations of one's safety (accidents, fire, personal trauma, world crises), or health changes
Your current personal and situational stressors
Your personal beliefs in a faith tradition or spiritual practice
Your cultural and family expectations about loss
If the loss is anticipated or unanticipated
If the loss is marked by traumatic events
The degree to which closure with the person was possible
A "loss out of season," for the person who has died or for you
Your ability to share the loss with others
Your coping style and use of stress management resources
Working through past hurts and forgiveness issues
Finding a way to make meaning of the loss

Grieving is a process. There is no correct timetable for the waves and reactions of grief. Yet, as you work through your grief, you can regain your balance, develop a sense of completeness, and re-engage in life in a deeper way. Your self-awareness in the process can be a personal journey and also one you may wish to share with others, through family, friendship, and work circles, or through professional and community resources.

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