The Courage To Grieve

Since we live in a world that is constantly changing, we are faced with loss on a daily basis. It may be useful to distinguish the kinds of losses we have to live with. Basically, there are two categories of loss: chronic and acute. Chronic loss constitutes our experiences—large and small—of not having things go the way we would like them to. The many disappointments, abandonments, unmet expectations, urequited needs and wants, broken promises, betrayals, etc. We try to cope with these simply as part of our human life. They are all losses. The author Stephen Levine imagines them as a "reservoir." A growing place deep inside us that reflects the underying universal reality of change. The accumulated material of life asserting itself into our best laid plans and forcing us to change and adapt our expectations. We may feel angry, hostile, unloved, not desireable. But beneath these feelings is the larger reality of impermanence, loss. Acute loss, on the other hand, is when someone or something is ripped away from us. The "rope burn" of losing contact, of being separated from a love object. Loss through death—whether expected or unexpected—results in acute and painful reactions. These reactions are unlearned, natural, universal and extremely personal. They range from physical to psychological to social to spiritual.

In either case, we are all suffering from loss. Indeed, loss seems to be the most certain aspect of our life. We are born into a world that is moving and transitory. Therefore, we have to develop ways of coping with our losses both chronic and acute. We have to care about doing the merciful thing for ourselves and others. Sending basic human warmth and kindness into our ongoing experiences of loss would be a good start. This is a courageous act. It is facing reality and learning through trial and error how to live increasingly in accordance with what is true. In a way, it is our attempt to live in growing harmony with the way things are.