Grief. Trauma. Crisis.

Often these words and experiences seem interchangeable. Sometimes they are, and sometimes they aren't. Perhaps, the more relevant question is "how can I help myself and others when one or all of these experiences occur(s)."

People need to have many ways of resourcing themselves. We have to have a variety of mechanisms to deal with the deep stresses of a grief, crisis or trauma. Sometimes it is fine to rely on one’s own internal reserves. But not in isolation or for too long. Often people describe a sense of “going on automatic” and accomplishing the practical tasks during/after a crisis or trauma that need tending quite effortlessly. At some point, however, it is typical for us to hit a limit and really need to get help. In our culture asking for help is quite complicated. We have been raised to believe deeply in the myth of the lone ranger. If we are to get through a crisis or trauma this myth has to be shattered and replaced with one of slowing down, reaching out, and finding appropriate help. Going on automatic inevitably begins to fizzle us out. Skillful help comes in three forms. First, help that we ask for. Second, help that others offer and ask specifics about. Third, help that comes without us asking. People providing help and care should be sensitive. Listening is key. What is needed? The needs can range from the most practical (fixing and delivering a meal, transportation) to psychological (sitting with and listening to painful emotions such as guilt, anger, sadness). Helpers should not give pat answers to deep and complicated concerns (“there, there, it’ll be okay"). They should offer presence and support, keep in touch, offer to accompany the person going through the difficulty. As Grollman points out, the pronouns of crisis and trauma are “I”, “Me,” and “Mine.” Helpful language comes from the heart. If we’ve been in a trauma or crisis ourselves, then it is easier to access the language of empathy and compassion. Also, take into account the person you know who is going through the experience of crisis or trauma. There is always a person behind the powerful reactions s/he may be having. Connect with that person. Remember the shared history and draw from it to shape your responses. If you don’t know the person very well, then go into your own subjective experience of worry, dread, despair, uncertainty, etc., and use it to extend your empathy.

Emotional release can be encouraged in may ways. Again, we need to have a variety of formats. Some people find they are able to really let their emotions out through vigorous exercise. Others, find talking to a friend is the best way to release. We have to invite in ease and support in order to let go of pent-up stress and tension. Talking to a therapist who is capable of helping people through intense and messy emotional states is often a good way to go. While friends and family can be helpful, at times we need to go deeper than they can or will go with us. In general emotional release is good for the mind and body. But it is crucial to process any emotional release. As humans we need to make meaning of our experiences as well as find the root causes of our suffering. It is not good enough to take a tennis racket to a pillow. We must also understand the deeper conditions within ourselves that strongly influence how we perceive and experience the world.

In general, information is good to have. We need to get the facts of our situation to know what we’re dealing with. However, there may be times when too much information is overwhelming. People should practice the principle of non-harming to the best of their ability. This means that if the information being gathered is causing suffering or harm to self or others, then it should temporarily cease. At this point it may be more useful to stop the action and process the content that has already been gathered. In general, in our culture we tend to be much more invested in content than process. If we keep piling on the content without processing it, our cognitive and emotional systems begin to clog up. This tendency renders us more susceptible to despair. It is crucial to pace ourselves take time to digest what we are learning. We often have to partialize and take things in smaller pieces in order to keep from being engulfed by the crisis/trauma.

Set backs and relapses are a normal part of any emotional process. While we are built to evolve and move forward, we often get stuck in old compelling habit patterns. When this happens, it is important not to resist the temporary suspension. The path to healing is infinitely patient. We have to bring patience and compassion to ourselves. Our automatic impulse toward feeling stuck is disgust and self-loathing. But neither of these help us out of the muck. Sending hatred into a stubbed toe, makes the pain worse. Compassion makes it better. Resistance is what keeps us from experiencing what is actually occurring. The frustration of being stuck needs to sequence through the mind and body. It needs to live out it’s own life. That requires taking time to explore its nature and causes. The main thing is to stay interested in one’s own process. That sense of curiosity and exploration can guide us through even the most difficult of times.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org

The Phases of Mourning

Much has been said and written about the so-called stages of mourning. It is more useful and accurate to conceive of mourning in terms of phases that are non-linear and highly personal. Yes, as humans our experience of loss and mourning are universal, but the range of subjective reactions are unique to each person. To mourn in a healthy way is to take the time and energy necessary to experience these "phases: recognize the loss, react to the separation that has occurred through loss, recollect the realities of the lost relationship, and begin to readjust and reinvest in order to move adaptively into a "new world" without forgetting the old. When complications in mourning occur it is usually because there has been some failure or distortion of the natural phases of mourning described above. Denying, repressing, or avoiding aspects of the loss and its pain, invariably lead to complications in mourning. There are other factors which predispose mourners to complications. Theresa Rando, PhD has written extensively on this subject. These factors include: loss of child, death after an over-lengthy illness, death the mourner perceives as preventable, a relationship with the deceased that was marked by anger, ambivalence, and/or dependency.

Find us at www.griefcounselor.org